So I am thinking about the Saturn Return. The moment when Saturn returns to the place in the sky where it was at the time of a person’s birth. Usually around age 29, with the effects starting to be felt at age 27 and continuing until the early thirties. Astrology says this is when a person passes into true adulthood.
This time can be filled with challenges as reality and responsibility hit and show the person what kind of life they’ve been living. In my case my reality check came really early, at about 21, when I traded in a full-time job of pursuing a very bad habit to a life of consistent spiritual work: work I did to get out and beyond the hole I’d dug myself into. I think it’s for this that my first stage of this multi-year shift has been bringing me great gifts with relative ease.
As lovely as it’s going, my Saturn return did start with a reality check. My own self-imposed illusion in a relationship showed me that there were some serious holes in my foundation around the concept of love and family. Through the temporary pain of this situation I was able to take off my rose-colored sunglasses and see the truth. Life just works like this. We learn through the difficulties.
So here we go, mini-interview on the first rumbles of Saturn. January 4, 2015. Brasilia, Brazil.
What’s going on with you? Really, how’s your heart doing?
Well, I’m in Brazil right now, and when I get back to the United States I’ll be starting a master’s degree in psychology. A career I feel completely suited for, a certainty found only after years of searching. My heart feels really happy. An excited child smiling big inside. Instead of jumping up and down, her cheeks just bubble as she looks across the sound feeling the wind blow through her insides. I wanna ride ferries with my friends and take walks hand in hand with someone good.
Why do you feel excited?
For the first time in my life I really feel excited from the inside out. When I arrived back in Rio this September I was not feeling my best. In light of where I was (and am) going in life I decided to work with a therapist. Through years of meditation, trying to do the right thing, learning, and eventually arriving in a spiritual path that really works for me, I had peeled back a lot of the layers of the onion. I saw that my present-time anger and fear was based in unresolved childhood hurts. What a blessing. I thank God that clarity came at this point in my life. I saw that this stuff was so deeply rooted that I was gonna need a second-hand to really work it out. With the help of my therapist I comforted and re-educated young me. Now I feel I am firmly planted in the driver’s seat of my life.
What does that mean to be in the driver’s seat of your life?
I feel like I’m free, capable, good; not only that my life is my choice, but that I have the strength to get where I’m trying to go. Making a 5-year plan, getting clear on what I want to do professionally, what kind of personal life I want, what kind of health…These things I did last year, but this year I actually gained the capacity to start carrying out my objectives with success. It’s been over a month and a half of a vegan, gluten-free and caffeine-free diet and the degree of self-control that I feel in various aspects of my life is astonishing.
What internal changes are you noticing?
The biggest change is a sense of calm. After the storm of summer passed and I started to feel normal again one thing that didn’t return was my previously highly extroverted nature. I feel a lot more able to listen to people and likewise less compelled to talk. In the moments when I feel really excited there is a little white flag that drops down inside my eyelids reminding me that I want calm. The other change is a sense of true self-confidence. Not in the sense of thinking that I’m great, but in the sense of thinking that I am capable. I know that it’s all gonna be ok. It’s all gonna be ok for me, and for the others too. The sense that everything is coming in time. I don’t need to run like a hamster after the things I want. To conquest the things on my future path I only need to BE on the right path today.